Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Oh Yeeeeeaaaaaah....that article...

I made it back from NYCC alive. Had a grand time. Will talk about it in a bit. So much work to do. Am so behind. Cannot apologise enough.

HOWEVER.

Oooh Yeeeeeeaaaaah...

I had a good chuckle.

*** UPDATE: Yes, they've now taken down the image of me ( awwww ) and privately apologised to Aaron, who took the photo. I still had good fun though. 

I have to address the author of this fine piece of literature. Alex, I am the guy in the top picture you chose. I'm guessing you got it from a comic book related website, since that's what I generally do. So you're probably a geek. And a girl. I admire that. Geekdom needs more ladies. Embrace the geek. Even if you have no idea who the hell I am. ( I don't really know some times myself, ).

I am Australian. I have no idea about American frat boy culture, douchey or otherwise, apart from what I see on TV and movies. To me it's quintessentially American and rather cro-magnon.  The most I did in university was stay at the bar too long when I should have been attending a lecture. No frat parties or these clubs men all go and rub their half naked bodies over each other while consuming kegs of cheap nasty toilet water ( What Australians call American beer ) Frat boys and their little clubs always came off as rather homosexual to me. Not that there's *anything* wrong with being homosexual, I might add. It's all a bit US military contractor for me really. Since that's what they actually do with US taxpayer dollars, over at Xe ( Blackwater ). Not really my style. Just give me a few tequila shots and I'm likely to leave amusing messages on other people's phones because they think my accent is funny.

So, to address some of the finer points up for discussion in your article:

I wear suits. ( As in that image you've used. ) They are custom made for me, by a tailor. I also have cobra skin shoes custom made from a cobbler, if you're interested. I've even appeared on a fashion blog. Go figure. Life is strange that way.

I drink GUINNESS. This is not Coors Light, or Bud, or any of that pissant crap "macho" dudes can actually get drunk on. I mean, I drank shit beer at Uni but at least it wasn't that filth.

I DO smoke cigars. With guys. ALSO, with women. Women smoking cigars is AWESOME by the way. Sometimes Most of the time, they are also CUBAN. ( The cigars, not the women ) and yes, I do slightly consider myself of a little more class and means than the average young pup American frat boy who likes to get blind drunk and poke anything that moves with his probably less than average flacid man-meat in the brief period between drinking too much light beer and passing out with his shirtless, probably pantless piece of pudge lying on the floor ready for his friends to shave the eyebrows off of.

In short, you picked the perfect person to headline your article. Great job! I'll be posting this, or some other snarky type of rant, over on my blog. Because this has amused me no end. I apologise for all the traffic this article may get. It's not because it was particularly popular or anything. Obviously, it's because of the photo of me. I tweeted it because I think it's awesome. Which it is. And now I'm blogging about it because, well, I never in my life thought I'd wind up on a site like "College Candy" which already sounds soft porn enough to me. Please feel free to use any other pictures of me you may find. Many are taken by fans. And yes, I am in bars a lot, so there's plenty of fodder if you want to write anything on drunken artsy Aussies who draw comics and such.

But, you see, that picture was taken by my friend, Aaron Munter. He'd love a credit. Maybe you got it from his flickr even?  Cheers. I'm kind of miffed you couldn't find an image of me for every single catagory you wrote about. The sad thing is, you probably COULD. I've stood on top of school buses while flipping off passers by. I've danced in front of "God Hates Fags" types in a suit & I've had my arse painted on in front of a large group of people.

Mucho love, please make me your frat boy mascot or something. It'd be a lot of fun. Maybe I can even tour South Carolina, riding a giant keg? think of the possibilities. You'll have created a monster, Alex.

I am actually sorry if you think I'm being mean, Honest, I'm not. I'm just having the most fun in ages fun pointing out how non frat boy I am and how much I loathe that sort of culture. And maybe check which pictures you use next time.

10 comments:

HeatherEK said...

This made me happier than I have been in a long time.

Trenton said...

Your rant here is absolutely hilarious.

About the beer... Guinness is really good but a man as truly classy as yourself should really be getting into American craft beer. The movement is so large with so many truly great and unique beers, its just wrong to only drink "good" beer. I highly recommend a man of your stature try Old Rasputin from North Coast or maybe the Sculpin IPA from Ballast Point. Either of those will likely persuade you to mostly abandon Guinness as anything other than the beer you'll settle for.

The Thing That Should Not Be said...

I spent a year in a US university and can attest to the fact that ALL of your sweeping generalisations about fratboys are totally true.

Paul Record said...

I agree with Heather...What a way to confront Thorsday...

Don said...

Oh, the picture has been changed.
Shame.
However, I think you really missed out by not having your picture appropriated for some of her other articles...like:

'Fantasy Football is Stupid'
'how to spot a real life gossip girl'

or my favorite

'the lady gaga look is so over'

Cheers for the laughs, Ben, and the link to my new favorite "writer"

Thad said...

Seconding Trenton; there ARE quite a lot of good American beers.

But frat boys do typically drink swill.

Templesmith said...

Oh, the "American beers are piss weak" is just a stereotype and a joke, just like the American ones like "The French are all cowards" jokes or "Canada has no military" ones.

I've had some good yank beers. Just that all the mainstream generic ones still are pure toilet water to me. And yes, they're the meat-head's choice generally eh?

LuisNCT said...

Hahaha! great speech, Mr Templesmith!

claire said...

damn i love you

Spooky Sean said...

Oh, come on bro, what's wrong with being in a frat, bro dog?
Yo homeslice, what is the dilly with that bro?
No, seriously, what the hell goes on in frats, other then homo erotic foreplay, and cliche posters.